Heat

A dedication to the horrible heat of the afternoon, which caused my brain to go into spontaneous combustion.

***

It was hot.

So hot that everything seemed to be a warm, bright orange in the heat. The wooden floor was unpolished and worn, yet that too seemed to flow and swim like a viscous mixture of hot brown mud, boiling beneath my feet. The air was still. Thick and still. I could hear my heartbeat echoing around my head, damp and muffled. The humidity seemed to soar with every second, and it seemed as if a fog had fallen over everything, wet and corrupting. There was no breeze, but the cream coloured blinds tapped softly in the silence. The distant tinkle of the bell on my dog's collar seemed even further away than just the kitchen. The trees outside were still and quiet, as if silenced by the extreme heat. There were no birds, except one lone crow, fat and shining from scavenged meals. Everything turned to a blur. My glasses were somewhere around, but in this heat my mind felt like it had melted away, and I couldn't be sure. Couldn't be sure of anything.

In a drugged state I clambered back into bed. It was too hot to do anything, even to breathe sent a hot rush of thick air into my lungs. My eyes hurt. Everything was too bright...too bright to see...to think...

The welcome cool of the evening found me fast asleep and covered in sweat.

You Just Had To

I wanted to stay here
My friends were warm and kind.

You just had take me away, didn’t you?

I wanted to stay at home
And watch the rain slip down the window panes
I wanted to witness the cleansing of the world

You just had to drag me out to school, didn’t you?
All you wanted was grades.

I wanted to be five years old again
To be carefree again
To be unfettered by knowledge
Just like a child running barefoot in the grass
I wanted to be that.

You just had to impose yourself on me, didn’t you?
You didn’t like the idea of an individual,
All you wanted was for me to be a mini-you.

I wanted to be myself
To be different from you
Not another you
But a me
I wanted to be free from you

You just couldn’t let go, couldn’t you.
You thought that I should always stay home.
You didn’t like the idea of me being free.
All you wanted was for me to obey.

And it was cold and rainy and dark all around.

But you just had to bring the extra coat
Even when it was pouring outside
Even when you were sick yourself
You just had to put your arm around me
And hand me a tissue and say, “Here, blow.”
Like I was a child again.

You just had to, didn’t you.

***

NB: This poem is not about anyone in particular, rather it is aimed at portraying the understanding that a child comes to about his/her parent in life. In a sense it is a little about me discovering another side of my mother that I never knew existed.

This poem was written as part of an exercise that my literature teacher conducted in class to demonstrate the concept of writer's style, or technique, as it were. We were given a short while to write it, and for a moment I considered copying something from here to submit, so I could slack off for ten minutes or so. In the end, I decided to write something proper and here it is. Enjoy! (Incidentally this was chosen to be published in the school's literary compilation. *grinz*)

Get up, and Go.

They just went. Left. With instructions, to take care of this and that matter. And you are left with...what?

No choice.

***

So they have decided to come back. Oh to be at that leisure, unfettered by anyone's commands. To be allowed the right to just take off and go, without bringing baggage or leaving a note.

Nobody likes to be left behind like the child who knows but has no voice to speak. To be patted on the head and given a treat to disguise undercurrents that are only too obvious.

Do they not know the adverse effects this has on even the strongest of men? Abandonment and a feeling of being, somehow, not good enough. Not deserving of whatever it was that someone else got, and knowing no reason why, except that one is, to put it bluntly, not good enough. Again and again.

Change is called for.

But what? And how? What other factors might be drawn into this web of equations that always devise ways to trap and delude and complicate. The human mind is a black hole unto itself, feeding upon every thought until there is nothing left but shadow.

Unless.

There is yet hope from the sources, the roots of our being.

Something stirs inside, an as yet flightless being that strives to stretch its unborn wings.

To get up.

And go.

To leave everything behind like an old skin that serves only as a bitter memory of what once was, like the scab that grows back and refuses to heal. There was only bitterness there.,br>
Was.

And now?

A yawning white chasm opens up like a book. The pen is in your hand. Now is your chance to change. The beginning of a new chapter, a new journey.

Change.

Just get up.

And go.

Observations of Environment I

The last drops of tea slowly turn cold in the artificially cooled air of my room. I can anticipate the bitter tannin taste this will have when I drink it, more tea in it than milk and sugar now. The cup sits silently on the wooden table. I hear the sonds of a game and typing in the background. My diary is balanced across my knees. My stomach is churning from the cold tea. It's been sitting here all afternoon, and all evening. It's dark. All lights are off save a small black desk lamp, which happens to be from Ikea. I am currently seated on a small blue plastic chair, which is more suited for a child than a person of my size. It's been in my family since I was small enough to use it, and I remember using it as a tool of violence against my siblings when we fought. I've long grown out of that. I've got plenty to do. Even with this feeling of restlessness, I've achieved everything and nothing. Nothing being something that's socially significant. Everything being something that's personally significant. Of course the two do cross at certain points, but it's easier to say "everything and nothing". Though, it's more like "everything and nothing and sometimes in between" which has a kind of rhythm to it. It's like at school, where I know everyone and no one. And sometimes, in between.

Thoughts in Rain

The rain keeps falling, a proper deluge that dims and blurs and yet...cleanses. Thunder drums to the steady beat of the rain, rain that can be like darts and bullets and also knives. Rain that hurts. A cold, thin gloom sets itself upon the world when it rains. Car splashes, coloured umbrellas, other sights and sounds are out despite the rain. The world moves on in the rain, unfazed and indifferent. Nature is losing her touch here, among civilizations where concrete and oil are king. So it is for me, I must go places even in the rain. But a lonely taxi ride to my destination prompts thougts. A mess and tangle of thoughts that confuse and exasperate and so much more, that cannot be put into words...but for two:

Human Nature.

This strange and wonderful thing. Good and evil. How complicated it is, that even we who are humans are at a loss to understand it. Why we are who we are. Why we do what we do. How we work, what makes us tick. What makes us laugh, cry and sing, sometimes all at once!

How we are all social creatures, deep down inside. Even the most antisocial teenagers are the ones most in need of company. How we all need to work. Not for money, but for the deep passion and need for a purpose inherent in every human being. And all these among other things, so many other things we can only begin to speak about, the surface of which we can only hope to touch briefly...

My train of thought is interrupted by the taxi driver.

I pay, and walk off into the world.

The Prodigal Child

I'm a cheater and a liar
I'm a downright damn denyer
I'm a so-screwed-up-in-sider
That doesn't give a damn.

I'm a person in transition
The back way: No Admission
There's only one decision
Only one line to take.

I'm coming from the darkness
Released from the tight harness
No longer tied up and alone
I'm finally coming back home.

Untitled Thoughts (Cont'd)

And here again how tempted I am to return and rewrite and rephrase and redo and edit it all and change it all but then I stop and

think.

How that's how life is because you can't change it and nobody can turn back time or relive anything again you can't always be looking

back.

It's sad but true yet how much I long for the past how much I want to rewrite some parts of my life how much really I want some things to be so very different from how they are now and how desperate I want it to be so and when I come face to face with the facts how it overwhelms me those facts how they overwhelm me and even though I may overreact or be dramatic it is how I am sometimes even though I may be that way how true it is the way those facts affect me.

How they affect the way I live I love I laugh I listen I lie I lack I am.

And all these thoughts they come again and again in refreshed waves bringing new thoughts I must write down for my own sanity's sake even as the world is watching me weighing whispering wondering wearing away.

And I cannot seem to stop these thoughts they just come without rhyme or reason without punctuation in a kind of strange rhythm that is the rhythm of life it goes up and it goes down that's just the way it is that's how it is and we must live with it in sickness in health in dark and in light in this situation and that

we must live with it.

Live with it or perish.

Untitled Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder about myself and how I am the way I am and how life is the way it is and how everything just is and was and probably will be or even never be.

I think,

How sometimes I get into a total screaming-inside kind of mess and how I get out of it and how that's really how life is and how I manage life at all and how I get through it.

There's a lot of hows.

And then,

There's how I am with this person and that and how it all works and how the world works with it and how the world might be without it and there's more hows for you.

And again and again,

The whys of the hows and the hows of the whys and such strange things that go on around me that feel like I don't know what's going on but really everyone has to go through them too and isn't that interesting.

My mind does wander from the clickety-clack of typing to the hard skin of my feet and the sounds of the air-con and the sound of silence which is also the sound of night and not just the sound but also the smells like the smell of before during after the rain the smell of tap water the personal smell I associate with someone and not just the smell but the taste of blood how metallic it is from cracked dry lips and the taste of other things how it is with me because of how I think of them and not just the taste but also the feel of plastic keys the feel of skin the feel of cold and more than the feel and smell and taste and sound more than all these is the sight and how the light falls just so and the shadow of a hand or any object really and how everything can be so ugly or so beautiful and in the end.

How it all goes together.

And the source of the inspiration is not just external stimuli oh no it is of the heart and the soul which yearns to write it is the passion which springs from within it is all of these and more which trigger the urge to just write and write and write and write and write and never

stop.

How everything seems to fall in place but in reality things don't work that way.

How in the quiet of the night

things

just come to mind.

And how I can put me inside something to get something else and take me out of something and get yet another thing.

And so many other random things that just flow and flow without ebbing this unending stream of emotions and words that just

COME.

And they never go away until your fingers at the keys are exhausted and your mind is finally empty and your heart is placid and still.

And then the sorrow comes, when the joy of writing diminishes and fades

till next time,

when the muse comes again in the middle of the night.


























And how strange it is.

Just when I think I am done there seems to be more and more and more to say and then I just

forget.

All of it.

And the window closes and opens and closes and opens and things go in and out and time passes like it always does never stopping and there is always

always

something to say.

Even when I need to leave when my head is addled and tired there is still so much to express that is crying out be written!

And we, we who were cast out among the ashes, cry out and hope for salvation.

U turn

I went down the road
Mashed a toad
Realized
I couldn't turn back.

Mumbled a prayer
Seeya la'er
Hoping that
I wouldn't crack.

Hole in toad.
Hole in me.
I felt the load.
I couldn't see.
Tried to let go
With no avail.
Hopelessly so
I weep and wail.

Realized

The only way out
Was not, in fact,
to scream and shout.

The hole was there
The load was not
If I took it to God
It would soon be forgot.

The hole would be whole
If I took the turn
Back down the road
And the sin I spurn.

***

How true this is to life at the moment! And life at all times...for that matter.

The Crop

Loneliness is the seed
From which sprouts a dead weed.
One can't live on memories alone.
They curl bleak and brown
Echoing the sound
'Cross the dust and the land wind-blown.

What was once green
Has now turned to mean
And greying, flailing, detached, roots.
What I feared the most
Nothing to boast
Is slowly turning to wilted shoots.

Tried to feed the hunger that
brought pain like rolling thunderclaps
With materials borne of the earth
Forgot the roots of my own birth.

Drop by drop. Sweat (tears?)
Waters the dust, clearing fears.
Away! you demons! Corruption clots.
So I might bring life back to my plots.

***

I felt empty inside, and I tried to fill it with the warmth of company. I did not realize that though company is an honourable thing, it is only God's love that can fully fill that void.

To think it never occurred to me earlier.

(read my personal blog: this entry, for additional explanation.)

Thanks goes out to Charmaine Han who inspired the third line of this poem. When we are truly alone, it is only our best friends who can show us God's love.

Through a Child's Eyes.

I was just standing there on the boardwalk with my camera when he appeared. Right over there, by the wooden deckchairs. Like a fairy in his water-wings he flits by, touching the wooden poles of the makeshift shelter out of innocent, childish curiosity. Losing his balance in the soft loose sand he stumbles with a little giggle. I capture his image; a still figure caught in time by a lens. Everything seems to amuse him; a paper wrapper blowing by on the wind, or even the rustling of the palm leaves far above his sandy head. He gazed after the wrapper briefly, and suddenly he was gone as quickly as he had appeared, like a dream; a memory. In the distance I thought I could see his shadow, but it was too hard to tell.

For me he had been a symbol of a time far behind me, a fleeting childhood that now seems to be but a dream, obscured by the sands of time. It's hard to think of life as being any different, but yet there it was, memories of the soft sand beneath my small feet, of waves that teased the shore, and booming ships in the distance. Now I am taller, more confident. The innocence is gone, and the world is an ugly place to be in. But sometimes that childish curiosity returns, and the world looks so beautiful.

Washed

In the tumult of emotions
All senses are lost
In the sea of misty grey.
Nothing is constant here.
In this realm, feelings
Eddy around the heart
Ripples that sting and bruise
Sour acid regurgitated
The foul taste of loss.
Loss of the intangible
The immaterial
The irreplaceable.

You.

Things always clash here.
Nothing is sound.
We are all the same:
The like poles of two magnets.
Both missing one other...
The pole that keeps us
Together as one.
Without it I am empty
A ghost of myself
A mere image.

The roaring, changing tides
Wear me out, grain by grain.
The feelings I live by
Lost beneath the sand
Where the bottom feeders
Feast upon the remains
Until nothing is left
But the musical tragedy
Played out by the
Omnipresent waves.

Daydream

There was once a young boy who wanted to be an explorer. One day he fell asleep under a tree in the garden, and woke to find himself in a steamy rainforest, wet and green.

The young boy slowly made his way through the humid jungle, which was peppered with danger and vibrant with life. Using his shiny new machete, he hacked through the undergrowth with ease. After a while, he came to a tall tree, one which surpassed all the other trees.

As all young boys are apt to be, he was curious. And, so, heaving his pack into a secure position on his back, he took out some climbing gear and began to climb the green giant.

He climbed and climbed, even higher then the crowns of the other trees, beyond the clouds, and up towards the stars, which winked at him from their heavenly abode. He climbed on and on, and the tree seemed to go on forever. He looked up, but could not see where the tree ended.

He kept on climbing. The place was silent, and he saw not a single bird. Yet, he kept on climbing.

Eventually he came to a branch, and he was so weary from climbing that he fell asleep. When he woke up, he found that he was wearing a space suit, and the topmost leaf of the tall tree was just below him.

He kicked off, intoxicated by the feeling of weightlessness he experienced, doing somersaults and tricks in mid-air. He felt as if he were the wind, a lazy summer breeze smelling of earth and rain.

Reaching for the nearest star, he cupped it in his hand and examined it. It felt hot, and with a flurry and a squeak it broke free, whizzing off into the vacuum. He spent some time playing chase with the stars, a little cherub clad in metal.

He realized that he could get around more easily if he moved in a swimming motion. Lazily propelling himself across the darkness, a cloud of stars gathered around him, their song echoing in the silence, soothing him to sleep.

Moments later, he woke with a start because something was tickling his nose. He glanced at the source of irritation, to find...

...bubbles?

He was now in the underwater world, wearing a black wetsuit with bright green piping to match his goggles and tank. He saw many wonders, including those that were now lost to humankind. The ocean bed was a mass of darkness, and he was glad of his torch to illuminate the way.

He met many creatures, great and small. He felt as if he had gone to a totally different world. He played and played in this underwater playground, forgetting all time and space. He forgot which way was up, forgot to check the gauge on his air tank.

He was trapped in a gilded cage of the underwater world. Without oxygen and not knowing the way out, he would die. Slowly, his mind clouded as it was deprived of the precious gas. Strangely, the water pressure did not affect him, and in this way he was lucky.

He fell into a faint, a deadened stupor. He thought was going to die, knew he was going to die. He smiled weakly to himself. To have seen the secrets of Mother Nature, and then to die in her domain. Such was the irony of life.

He was surprised to find himself waking back under the tree, and his mother was calling him home for tea. "Just like Alice in Wonderland," He thought in amazement to himself.

He stepped back into the house with a secret smile on his face, as if he had seen God face to face, and lived to tell the tale.

The Camera: A Tragedy

I was walking along the road, camera in hand, on my way home. I had been stopping to take photos every now and then, and I was alone. As I crossed the road I glanced to my right as was my habit to make sure the coast was clear. A thought struck me: If I were to be hit by a car there and then (by which time I had already crossed, and lunged for the nearest tree), what would be the first thing a witness would look for? Would he locate my wallet and ID?

Or would he turn to my camera, to see what was perhaps the last thing that I had seen before the incident?

I could see it happening, right before my eyes.

The ghostly image of a girl not unlike me.

The car, coming around the corner in slow motion. It would be a white one, like one of those older saloons you see cruising around that look as if they've seen better days. It would hit her with a dulled thud as she turned in horror, too late. And the look on the driver's face would mirror hers, as he registered the inevitable moment.

She would fall, in freeze frames, as the rest of the world passed by. Her bag would hit the ground with a tinkle, it's contents clattering around inside, useless now. Her head hitting the ground with a sickening crack that bode no good news, dark hair splayed all round like a shroud. The silver camera tumbling onto the road and out of her slack grip. The driver would have stopped a few seconds after impact, the screeching of tyres echoing and muffled in the still, humid air. Opened the door and rushed out to examine the damage, keys left hanging in the ignition, dangling innocently.

He would kneel on the black road, hand moving toward the bulge in her pocket that was her wallet. And then...his eyes would see the camera, silver and shining in the fading evening light. His gaze would switch to it, his mind curious as to what was the last thing she had seen, the last beauty of the world granted to her eyes, now closed to the world.

Fumbling to find the power button, this piece of hardware suddenly more than just a camera. Reviewing the photographs, what would he see? And then, the small sreen flickers on, revealing a sunset reflected on the clouds in soft pastel colours above the shadows of buildings. Further back, the clouds reflected in a lorry windscreen. And again, the pastel sunset, but this time torn apart by two lines of barbed wire.

What thoughts would these images provoke in his mind? The sunset of her life, savaged by metal. And those same clouds reflected on the windscreen of his guilty vehicle. His hands trembling, and tears welling up inside. Here was her final legacy; images of nature, the last things that were imprinted on her mind.

The light fades, and the street lamps come on, one by one to light the darkness. On that deserted, little-used road he would kneel, the door to his vehicle still open. The sole witness to her passing. Still he stares at the photographs. Perhaps it was all meant to happen. Or perhaps not.

Slowly he gets to his feet and pulls out his cell phone. He dials a number: his estranged daughter's. He's calling to tell her he will be late for their reunion.

A buzzing sound disrupts the rhythmic beeping of the ring tone in his ear. He lowers his cell phone, a heavy feeling in his heart. A small light glows in the girl's pocket. The buzzing sound seems to be coming from there. Suddenly afraid, his blood runs cold as he reaches for her phone.

Pulling it out, he checks the caller ID.

A familiar number flashes on the screen.

Where can he have seen it before?

Then, he remembers his own phone in his other hand, still calling his daughter.

And cruel revelation hits him, as he recognizes the number as his own.

The End of the Sidewalk

This is the end of the sidewalk, where the dreams end and reality begins. Here the traffic lights are always red, and you must get out of the dream in order to move on. The path crumbles softly into the darkness that awaits at the end. A heaviness envelopes the heart. Footsteps of people who have walked here before echo hollowly: footsteps of the ghosts.

At the end of the sidewalk, the street lights are dimmed, one by one. Slowly, each orb of light fades gently, like the memory of the touch of a finger on skin. They go out as if they know that there is no other choice. Instead, a red glow pulses somewhere in the impending darkness, like a beating heart. The sky fades from a pale, washed blue to a sooty ink black, grainy like a photograph of the olden days, reminiscent of things that once were.

The long grass here is all wilted and brown. It crackles softly beneath the feet, and when the wind blows through them they whisper mournfully, a song of what was lost forever. The only things that grow here are small white flowers that have no name. People who have come to this place have no time to stop and study them, let alone admire them. Each flower has four delicate petals, each shaped like a perfect heart. They fall away at the slightest touch, and in the darkening light they glisten softly, like fallen angel's tears.

The Song

It was a dance I
Never wanted to end
It was something that
Was worth a backward bend
I wanted it forever
Addicted, afflicted
This drink of life and love
A disease: couldn't kick it.

But all good things
Do end one day
The time we had
Was blown away
Like chaff on the wind
Did I do wrong?
I wanted to keep on
Singing this song.

But I lost my voice
The time ran away
I was left in the tide
That carried me astray
Things kept coming up,
I was crazy busy
Just couldn't hold out
I got crazy dizzy.

And now here I am
And there you are
Two people apart
Watching from afar
We once had something
But that something's gone
And now all that's left
Is the echo of a song.

***

When I get the impulse, I write. Here is the result. Kinda yuck but well. I like it.

Writer's Block

This is the place where everything goes
The block of the wastes of writer's woes
Snow white papers piled up to the sky
Fluttering quietly, quietly by.

Nobody lives here, somebody did
But still it's empty, no rental bid
Who would want to live in this place
A garbage can, fallen from grace.

Forgotten ideas, stale ones too
Cheesy tales about trips to the zoo
But among the unwanted trash you can find
Gems of notes to delight the mind.

Things once lost have now been found
New inspiration, breaking new ground
The fluttering paper like new snow
Quiet and cool, gentle and slow.

Silently now, like snow on a grave
The papers fall...and fade.